“No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Being lonely … being alone … for many people … sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honor the person you are is worse. Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.” - Unknown (found on Tumblr)
You know what I am tired of? I am so tired of ...
Aina, you're so wonderful.
Aina, you're amazing.
Aina, you're so beautiful.
Aina, you are incredible.
Aina, your heart is so pure.
Aina, you have such good intentions about everything.
Aina, I love you.
Aina, I care for you.
Aina, you're perfect for me.
But ......
Aina, it just wouldn't work between us.
This has been the dominant story of my romantic life.
Every time I allow myself to start to care for someone -- and it has not a regular occurrence -- they say ...
"You're great, and I love/care for you but ...."
And maybe that is why I can not write.
Perhaps I should close that chapter so that I can move to create my own works -
My image of what love is.
To see love as fiction. Ain't that funny? And ironic?
And pathetic?
Love is fiction. Love is fictional. It feels good while consuming it, but it's not really there.
I should stop letting my feelings define me and, maybe, define my feelings?
Let love go ... give up.
Should I give up?
Maybe.
At the moment I am not convinced there is a reason not to.
Love eludes me, runs from me, hides.
I'm not sure I can write about it anymore.
Love escapes me, so I'll write about lust and fucking.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Funky
I am in a funk. When I am in a funk, I do not want to blog. I am in a funk because school has been such a drain on me. Do not get me wrong, I really do love school and I have zero regrets. I am finally living how I should have (cough cough) years ago; education first, work second. It's just that this semester hasn't had the OMG, I'M IN SCHOOL! excitement factor that last semester had. The honeymoon is definitely over. Again, do not get me wrong (shoot, I am making a circular argument here), but I was just so very content with everything I was learning last semester. I finished with a 3.75 GPA-- three A's and a B -- and I was very proud of myself. This semester has been much more of a challenge; five classes, I loathe most of my teachers, and I'll be lucky to round it out with a 3.3 GPA I made a 3.8!. At this point I have only three final exams left, so I guess I'll know soon enough.
Which brings me to the letter I got in the mail yesterday. It was an invitation to join Phi Theta Kappa, an honor society. This invitation was based on my grades last semester. Question though -- if I don't meet the minimum GPA this semester, do they rescind their invitation? Do I even care about some junior college honor society? I am currently attending a two-year school and I plan to transfer next fall. Really, Junior College, I am just using you for the cheap tuition. I hadn't even planned on going to my graduation. Though I'll be awarded one, does anybody really give a flip about an AA transfer degree in the great scheme of things? The only thing I might be doing wrong by skipping the graduation is denying my mother and aunt a chance to see me walk across a stage for the first time since high school. It's a degree, yeah, yeah, but I want that Bachelor's! And then, a Master's and a PhD.
So anyway, back to being drained and in a funk.
I have decided to take a break for the summer from the academic portion of educating myself. However, I will be working on a special educational project in addition to writing my book. Not sure if I want to blog about it yet, but I might. I've told a close friend and three family members what I will be doing and they're in my corner. I am just mapping out my course of life and working on expanding my options.
In the meantime I have requested to change my schedule at work in such a way that would give me large blocks of time -- consecutive days -- to write. Just for the summer, I will be working Monday, Friday and maybe Saturday depending on whether or not I worked enough hours on Fridays. Sunday, Tuesday-Thursday will be book days, doing nothing but studying (for my other project) and writing my book.
I plan to blog more as well. Written posts. I really don't want this to become a pictures-only blog and I want to get comfortable with writing about my publishing process, fears, desires, and that sort of thing. It's going to be a busy summer.
Maybe you'll come along for the ride.
Which brings me to the letter I got in the mail yesterday. It was an invitation to join Phi Theta Kappa, an honor society. This invitation was based on my grades last semester. Question though -- if I don't meet the minimum GPA this semester, do they rescind their invitation? Do I even care about some junior college honor society? I am currently attending a two-year school and I plan to transfer next fall. Really, Junior College, I am just using you for the cheap tuition. I hadn't even planned on going to my graduation. Though I'll be awarded one, does anybody really give a flip about an AA transfer degree in the great scheme of things? The only thing I might be doing wrong by skipping the graduation is denying my mother and aunt a chance to see me walk across a stage for the first time since high school. It's a degree, yeah, yeah, but I want that Bachelor's! And then, a Master's and a PhD.
So anyway, back to being drained and in a funk.
I have decided to take a break for the summer from the academic portion of educating myself. However, I will be working on a special educational project in addition to writing my book. Not sure if I want to blog about it yet, but I might. I've told a close friend and three family members what I will be doing and they're in my corner. I am just mapping out my course of life and working on expanding my options.
In the meantime I have requested to change my schedule at work in such a way that would give me large blocks of time -- consecutive days -- to write. Just for the summer, I will be working Monday, Friday and maybe Saturday depending on whether or not I worked enough hours on Fridays. Sunday, Tuesday-Thursday will be book days, doing nothing but studying (for my other project) and writing my book.
I plan to blog more as well. Written posts. I really don't want this to become a pictures-only blog and I want to get comfortable with writing about my publishing process, fears, desires, and that sort of thing. It's going to be a busy summer.
Maybe you'll come along for the ride.
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